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10:08pm 23/05/2007
 
mood: crazy
You've inspired me you've inspired me you've inspired me. 

and no - I am not talking about megan. 

It is the sun that shines, miss liza. (one day you'll have a name - it will be amazing)


Have you ever said to yourself 'I'm good enough' ?? 
I wish I had. Some days, I think so hard, and it never fully works. Let's break it down a bit. Are you all too sure that this isn't suspense? 
Some one told me once "what you feel, isn't what's real. What's real is how you percieve things."
This person, I've come to realize, doesn't actually exist. 

She'll tear herself to pieces, just to hear you smile. You laugh so loud it shatters, everything around. Some days I feel like I just can't take it. Some days, you make me want to scream. And crumble to bits, tossed about and furious. These are what days like today always seem to be full of. 
The trick is, you can never truely tell. 

For some reason, that time of night always looked so beautiful to me. 10:11. 
can you repeat that?

10:11
I thank you for your imperfections.
 
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07:32pm 21/05/2007
  <b>

Alright, for those of you reading through this... 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ignore any sadness/darkness. 
It was so long ago.. and this journal wasn't necessarily made for anyone to actually look at.. 

so.. 

yeah.. 

and the real link to my regular journal is 

www.blurty.com/users/ishallbrnforyou
 
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heh   
08:23pm 14/05/2007
 
mood: cheerful
2004?!

Whoa.. that was SO long ago... 

Well anyway, I don't really plan on posting in here. Maybe every once in awhile. 
This is just for Elizachick because she has one of these and I have the sneaking suspicion that there are lots of friends-only entries that I can't read unless I'm on here. 


For those who want my other journal, go to 

www.blurty.com/users/ishallburnforyou

and comment me!! You don't have to be a member to comment, but there are friends only entries on there, too. So.. hmm. 

yes. bye. 

- the reninator
 
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other   
10:25pm 29/09/2004
  I haven't written in this thing for like.. ever. So I thought I might write now.


How goes it?


Later
 
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Think of it as interactive journaling   
01:03pm 24/08/2004
  WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
I died from suicide:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Mannerisms:
Family:

WOULD YOU:
Be my friend?:
Have sex with me?
Lie to make me feel better?:
Spread rumors about me?:
Keep a secret if I told you one?:
Loan me some cash?:
Hold my hand?:
Take a bullet for me?:
Keep in touch?
Try and solve my problems?:
Love me?:
 
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Kinda funny - don'tcha think?   
10:12pm 09/08/2004
  You know, you think people don't listen to you; but they do. I guess this is what happens when ya moan about things you really can't help. I dunno. There was supposed to be more to this entry. But I can't remember it, oh well.

All I'd like to say, is that for the two people that certain entry was directed to, I love you guys, I just forget that you love me back sometimes.

lauren
 
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01:25am 27/07/2004
  you know.. it's sad to see these people, people I thought were my friends, blow me off every second they get. I've only got one mutual friend listed. two others as mine. I wouldn't care so much if it weren't for the fact that the others have been adding everyone else as friends. I really wish Erin would just say to my face to just leave me alone and stop talking to her because she doesn't like me anymore. Because she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It would make things a lot easier.

Oh well, maybe I'm just not supposed to have friends. That's okay. I'll get over it.
 
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Isn't it funny   
01:55pm 13/06/2004
  I don't really want/need to post anything in here.


All I have to say is the usual.

I'm so fucking lonely. I have no real friends anymore, at least none that I like. All the people I thought were my friends, really aren't.

Right now I am filled with so much hate for the world, for every creature that slithers among us. I hate all of you. I don't care if hate is an empty emotion, at least it's pure. To me, hate is the only truthful emotion I have ever felt and the world has ever felt.

I'm just felling so deserted. I'm feeling so angry. Annoyed. sad. And why? I have no clue. Teenage hormones... -scoff-
 
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08:19pm 23/05/2004
  I'm going to put this in my livejournal because Erin has a livejournal. Perhaps she'll read it. But then again, even if she did, she probably wouldn't say anything and then where would I be?

So anyway, I went to church today for the sponsor dinner stuff. I sat next to Erin because.. it's Erin, I love Erin. We didn't say anything to each other. We might have said hi, I can't quite recall. So yeah, she practically screams Hi to Neal (another person I used to know, another one who never talks to me anymore) She sat at a table with him too. Yeah, I felt kind of bad.

It hurts so much to see how things have changed so dramatically. This person who was my best friend for such a long time who now only talks to me if there's no one else around. I want so badly to just reach out to her, talk to her like we used to, hang out like we used to but.. I can't. She's always so busy and it's like she's forgotten who I am. It hurts so bad to know that the same thing that's happened with so many others, is happening with her. First amy, then anooja, amanda too, there was ashley and peter and the list goes on. But Erin. That hit me hard. I don't know what to think anymore.

I wish things could be like the way they used to be. But they're not. That's just too bad. Maybe one day I'll wake up and we'll be friends again. A dream I suppose.


-ren
 
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Murdered   
12:33pm 22/05/2004
  In honor of not posting anything, I shall post a poem I wrote entitled "Murdered" because.. I don't feel like typing. So there.


I watched him squirm on the ground, my revenge sent laughter up my throat
Oh how he deserved it, oh how he choked
A stab wound to the chest, dug deeper, deeper still
A stab wound to the neck
Blood trickles down from his evil mouth of threats
Eyes bulging, breath shortening
Savor the once in a lifetime look
And as he asked for a little mercy
I simply said no
The hurt and pain he’d sent my way was no comparison to this
I will keep the scars, but his will end all too quickly
I pulled his body to the furnace, to burn the evidence
Scattered paper I placed upon him, a match I then struck
Crackle, pop, burn, there goes my sad, sad boss
Will he forever haunt my dreams, I think not
But that doesn’t mean he can’t say hello
To such a fiend as me
 
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05:07pm 10/05/2004
  Kookiemonstr81: hi chung
RancidMoshPit999: I'm not Chung
RancidMoshPit999: get a room
Kookiemonstr81: uh?
RancidMoshPit999: I'm not Chung
RancidMoshPit999: This is a hacker
Kookiemonstr81: oh really
RancidMoshPit999: yes, really
Kookiemonstr81: well ur being a FAG
RancidMoshPit999: why do you think I'm going to be offended if you cal me a fag?
RancidMoshPit999: I don't know you, you don't know me, why sould I care what you say?
Kookiemonstr81: well i said u were being a fag, not that u r a fag and believe me u dont know me but i kno u
Kookiemonstr81: who r u?
RancidMoshPit999: you think you're being funny? That's not funny, that's retarded
Kookiemonstr81: well ur retarded
Kookiemonstr81: faggoty man
RancidMoshPit999: Why do you think I'm a man? I'm not a man.
Kookiemonstr81: really
Kookiemonstr81: faggoty ann then
RancidMoshPit999: you think you're funny? Cause your not. Your just making a fool out of yourself
Kookiemonstr81: hmm. well wth r u hacking a fourteen year old, faggoty ann?
Kookiemonstr81: what good will it do?
RancidMoshPit999: really?
RancidMoshPit999: Because I can
RancidMoshPit999: Why do you care?
Kookiemonstr81: because chungs my friend and i would much rather talk to him
RancidMoshPit999: awww... but I thought he SUCKED
Kookiemonstr81: well he kept putting his away message on i was only joking
RancidMoshPit999: you shouldn't joke like that
Kookiemonstr81: well u shouldnt be a fag but u r
RancidMoshPit999: that's not only stupid, but rude too, you shouldn't treat a friend like that
RancidMoshPit999: Why do you get so much pleasure out of calling me a fag, do you even know what that means?
Kookiemonstr81: a gay man, einstein
Kookiemonstr81: and because im only pointing out obvious things
Kookiemonstr81: honestly if this is chung and u r just messing around i am really annoyed
RancidMoshPit999: I'm asking because you seem to be a very ignorant person and I was just making sure you knew what it was you were calling me :-)
RancidMoshPit999: I'm not this chung you speak of, honestly.
Kookiemonstr81: fuck u then
RancidMoshPit999: Oh yeah, give it to me baby
RancidMoshPit999: yeah well than go to hell
Kookiemonstr81: u first
RancidMoshPit999: I'm already there, laura. aww, don't tell me you don't remember me!! It's steve, your BOYFRIEND!!
RancidMoshPit999: And man, am I pissed. Who is this 'Scott?' Aren't I good enough for you?
Kookiemonstr81: what the HELL
Kookiemonstr81: honestly if u r just messing with me there will be hell to pay
RancidMoshPit999: Excuse me laura, but I'm not scared of hell, I"M ALREADY THERE YA DIPSHIT
Kookiemonstr81: wtf. if this is really steve which i doubt i havent talked to you in forever thought u could take a hint
Kookiemonstr81: and anyway i needed a bf that was ALIVE.
RancidMoshPit999: this IS steve laura, and the least you could do is TELL me that it's over. What the fuck is wrong with you?! I was a big enough asshole to be sent to hell and even I know common curtosy, that you could AT LEAST TELL me it's over instead of making me find out like this
RancidMoshPit999: So I'm not good enough for you
RancidMoshPit999: Well sorry, Laura, you're not good enough for ME
Kookiemonstr81: fine. well im sorry
Kookiemonstr81: it was fun while it lasted
RancidMoshPit999: fuck you then you ugly bitch
Kookiemonstr81: at least im alive
RancidMoshPit999: when you die, I hope you go to heven so I won't have to deal with you in hell with me
Kookiemonstr81: oh thanks. alison says hi
RancidMoshPit999: tell alison I'll check her later ;-)
Kookiemonstr81: lol
RancidMoshPit999: oh and tell her, the more skirts the better, you can see EVERYTHING when your looking up from hell
RancidMoshPit999: whats so funny
Kookiemonstr81: holy shit!
RancidMoshPit999: what is holy shit for
Kookiemonstr81: i believe u now
Kookiemonstr81: hehehe
RancidMoshPit999: oh and, nice rack, nice room, too. Here, you can have chung back now.
Kookiemonstr81: alright thanks i guess. dont forget to stay sexy lol




Yeah, that was a conversation I had with Laura while I was on Chung's screen name. Fun stuff; good times.
 
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07:41pm 05/05/2004
  Scream for me
Don't you dare stop
Cry out for me
That this may all come screeching to a halt
Pray for me
That my sadness may be eased
Hope for me
That I may be able to cease this disease
Believe me
When I say there's gotta be
Another way
Something different from what we see
Don't make me tell you
Again and again
Don't let it wait
Until we have reached the very end
But above all I want you to do
Make it right
Just for you
Stay true
In everything I want you to do
 
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As I scream into a pillow   
10:30pm 01/05/2004
  Got some new stuff, yay new stuff. My mom is like a clothes making genius! She helped me make a few things out of some socks and belts, can ya dig it. I is of the happy kind. Yay for my mother.

In other news, I'm not so sure if my dad is really okay with me wearing yellow bracelets and chokers. But oh well, I wear strange things (on weekends) so he should be used to it by now. Wait til he sees what I do to my hair nexed year! He's gonna love that. Which reminds me; he should probably know about it before hand, shouldn't he? Oh well.

-Ren
 
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Sigh   
08:30pm 27/04/2004
  Haven't written in here for a long time. I've got not much to say. Things have been the same. I'm so sad, and I can't help it. Even when I'm supposed to be happy, sadness kreeps up on me again! I need to be careful, I don't want to have another panic attack at school. I don't want to spread my unhappiness to my friends.. wait a minute.. what friends? Heh.. now that I think about it, I don't really like the ones I've got, the ones I see everyday. They all make me feel so bad. Especially Enid. She always has to be right. She always has to point out my mistakes and make me feel even worse about the stupid things I do. She always has to stomp on every dream I have, everything I like. Why? Because it's saintly. She didn't have to do that to me. She tells everyone all my secrets I told her NOT to tell her about, the whole class. Chung too. Give visuals as well. What I do to myself is MY business, not the rest of the worlds. At least.. not yet..  
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10:02pm 20/04/2004
  It's gotten to my head, these dreams I dream.
I'm so used to having the kind of nightmare where I am the victim, but, lately, I've been the murderer.

There's this guy (or a girl, it's very difficult to tell) and he's up against a wall. I look at him/her lovingly and then, with an evil grin, I take out a knife and stab repeatedly in the face. Blood is everywhere. It's all over me, I laugh and laugh and laugh while the other stands there, motionless. It doesn't stop. For some reason, s/he just won't die and s/he keeps on going. So I try harder. I get more and more angry.

I'm no longer smiling, it turns to pure rage. My face becomes very focused on my intent as more and more stress lines appear on my face.

Finally, I give up, I simply cannot take it anymore. The fact that this being will not die annoys me and angers me so much that it becomes intolerable and I end up just killing myself.

I wish I knew what it meant.
 
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Why would she do this to me?   
05:32pm 19/04/2004
  I want her to stop. I want her to suck it up and take it like a woman. Just because she does it, doesn't mean she needs to tell everyone. I don't think she understands what she's doing, not just to herself, but to everyone around her. By gloating like that. I wish I could take her into my life, how lonely it is, how hard it is because I have no friends, because I am desperately seeking for a way out. I want to show her real pain. Maybe then she'd stop. Maybe then.

She acts like it's some big thing. It's not. I know when I see her, I'll think only good things about her, but right now I can't stand her in the least.

When I was in her position, I had it way worse. I had no one, anyone I talked to would call me crazy and walk away, never to speak to me again. Does she know how that feels? No, because she's always had a friend, she's always had some one to talk to, some one to encourage her. Well I NEVER have, and now she's going to say her life's bad? It's just life, just hormones and everyone goes through it, she's not the only one!

If anything, she's lucky. Everyday, I hope and hope and hope that I'll get caught and that way I won't have to worry about not getting caught. I just.. I want things to be better, things to be different. I need to go home, my real home. It's time.



She'll never know the pain I feel, to her I say huzzah!


-Ren
 
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words   
11:31pm 15/04/2004
  These words that sound so innocent
Stab me with a knife
The lies that keep us far apart
Become more massive every night
I wait all day and wonder
When you will forgive
I wait all night and ponder
How we could have plummeted so far
Yet this bond of ours still lives
But because you never came back to claim me
I gave myself to some one else
Now you have grown so distant
We've no option but to completely part
As I take back myself
 
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From Chung's journal, who, in turn, got it from Kira's journal   
07:19pm 23/03/2004
  GOOD

A Richardson, TX policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem…a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which reads 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD" The officer then found another young man down the road with a sign that reads "TIPS" and a bucket for the money and a sign (we used to just sell lemonade)


BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automatic radar post to Plano, TX. A $10 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls" There was a moment of silence while she smiled he realized what he'd just said, He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start the car.
 
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humph..   
11:11pm 22/03/2004
 
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability ||| 10%
Aggressiveness ||||||||| 26%
Assertiveness |||||| 14%
Activity Level ||||||||| 22%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 42%
Enthusiasm ||| 10%
Extroversion |||||| 20%
Trust |||||| 14%
Morality |||||| 14%
Altruism ||||||||| 30%
Cooperation ||||||||| 22%
Modesty |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Sympathy |||||||||||| 34%
Friendliness ||||||||| 28%
Confidence |||||| 18%
Neatness |||||| 14%
Dutifulness |||||| 18%
Achievement |||||| 18%
Self-Discipline ||| 10%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 34%
Orderliness |||||| 18%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Volatility |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Depression |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||| 34%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Emotional Stability ||||||||| 25%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Liberalism |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 72%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
 
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A joke, how entertaining. Hmph..   
11:59pm 21/03/2004
  One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
 
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